


As Silent as the Day I Lost You

by shishcabob22



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x21, 13x22, Concerned Mary, Concerned Sam, Dead Sam, Devastated Dean, Gen, Sad Cas, Shocked Dean, concerned Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-14 17:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14774399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shishcabob22/pseuds/shishcabob22
Summary: Takes place during/after 13x21 and a little during 13x22, just because no one mentioned Dean's silence after Sam's death.





	1. Cas POV

"Sam!"

Cas tore through the tunnels after the vampires, the darkness completely enveloping him after only a few steps. He felt panic begin to overwhelm him. He couldn't lose another friend, not Sam, not now. _Not after all this._

Then, suddenly, Cas knew. The vampires were too far into the tunnels; he would never catch up. Cas had seen where they had bitten Sam, and he knew that even if he could catch up, Sam would already be gone.

He was too late.

Cas felt a deep chasm of loss open up inside him, but he quickly pushed it down. He had a job now; there would be time to grieve later. 

Castiel turned back toward the cavern where the others had finished off the last of the vampires. Just as he was exiting the tunnel, Dean ran towards him, a desperate look in his eyes.

Cas put his hand on Dean's chest, stopping him. "He's gone."

Raw pain replaced the desperation in Dean's eyes. "No!" He pushed past Cas, but Cas grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Dean!" He looked his friend in the eyes. "We don't have time."

Dean stared past him and into the depths of the tunnel, as if hoping against hope that his brother would come tumbling out, alive and well.

"Dean, we can't save him."

Dean turned his tortured gaze on Cas, and the angel averted his eyes, the grief and pain momentarily overcoming him. 

_It's not fair. Not after all this._

* * *

The stunned group finally made their way out of the tunnels, squinting in the sudden but rather dull light of the apocalypse world.

Cas emerged from the tunnels last, taking up the rear behind Gabriel and the girl. Dean walked at the front, holding his gun like a lifeline.

Cas observed his friend cautiously. He knew Dean would press on, _was_ pressing on, for the good of everyone else, but he also knew how deeply loss affected him. Especially this loss.

Even with that knowledge, Cas knew something was different this time. He had been with Dean before when he was grieving friends and family--and even when he was grieving Sam. Sometimes Dean was angry, or bloodthirsty, or hopeless, but he was never silent.

Not like now.

Dean's pain seemed to have been numbed by shock. Cas saw it in his face when the girl went to go talk to him. After all these years, it was finally too much.

Cas understood that feeling.

The girl fell back at the look she got from Dean. Cas wasn't surprised. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder and guided her forward.

* * *

 

Throughout the entire debacle with the warding and the rebellion patrol finding them, Dean remsined silent. Then Mary came forward, and Dean practically collapsed into her arms. 

When Mary extracted herself from Dean's arms and asked where Sam was, Dean's face never changed even as a single tear fell down his face. The sheer devastation never left his eyes, and he never said a word. 

* * *


	2. Sam POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam sees the fallout of his (temporary) death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it took me so long to update this. Thanks to everyone who stuck around through the wait and my mediocre writing! Enjoy!

When Sam walked into the camp, he expected to feel joy or apprehension. All he felt was relief.

He was finally back. They were _all_ back. He looked around at everyone, and began to hope that maybe they would all be fine. His family was together again. Mom, Jack, Cas, hell, even Gabe.

And Dean.

Sam locked eyes with his brother, watching as shock and joy overcame his brother's features.

Then everyone looked back at the entrance to the camp, and Sam knew the moment was over. He saw Dean tilt his head in confusion, and he lowered his gaze, ashamed.

"Hello, son."

* * *

 

After settling the Lucifer issue (for now), Sam set his phone timer for 31 hours. It wasn't a lot of time to get home, but it just might be enough.

Sam heard Dean walking up beside him. He put his phone away and turned to face his brother.

"Hey. Listen, I'm sorry about all this."

"Are you good?"

Sam gave himself a quick once-over, then nodded. "I'm alive, yeah."

Dean looked at him with a weary mixture of pain and relief. "Then you got nothing to apologize for."

Exhaustion swept over Sam as he stepped into his brother's embrace. "I thought I lost you, man." and Dean's voice cracked just a little as he let down that barrier. Sam understood. After all, he had been exactly where his brother was not even a year ago, poised over Dean's prone body with a needle and a prayer.

But something about Dean seemed... off. As the brothers separated, Sam narrowed his eyes as he really looked at Dean for the first time since he came back. "Hey man, are you sure you're alright?"

But Dean's defenses were already back up, and all he let out was a typical grumble about how "I _will_ be once we get back home and have a few beers", but Sam knew something about this time was different.

How screwed up were their lives that your brother dying had a "this time"?

* * *

 

Sam watched his brother working on the bus out of the corner of his eye. It was good for Dean to have something to do with his hands; it kept his mind off things.

While waiting for their transportation to be ready, Sam approached Cas. If his brother wasn't going to give any details about what happened while Sam was... indisposed, then he knew Cas would.

Cas did give him the run down of all the time Sam missed from leaving the tunnels to coming back to the camp. But Sam was still left with a nagging sort of concern, and he just had to know.

"Hey, Cas? Dean didn't do anything stupid while I was...gone, did he?"

Cas immediately become more solemn (how that was even possible, Sam didn't know). "Sam, I've seen Dean grieve before. We both have. But he's never been...has he ever been silent, before?"

Sam shook his head. "No, I don't think he's ever--"

Then Sam saw Mary walk across the clearing with Bobby.

_Oh._

He didn't know for sure, because he'd only been a baby, but Sam had his suspicions over the years. They were practically confirmed on that case--what was it, thirteen years ago?--with that traumatized little kid. Lucas. 

The last time Dean had grieved without saying a word was when Mom died.

Sam took a shuddering breath, mentally berating himself for being so _stupid_. A voice in the back of his head told him it wasn't his fault that he died, but he shoved it away. Fault didn't matter. What mattered is that Dean had felt a traumatizing sort of pain he hadn't felt in _decades_ , and Sam was the cause of it.

He looked back at Dean, who was steadfastly pouring everything he had into fixing that damn engine.

Sam hadn't been there for his older brother last time, but he would be this time. He would never leave Dean alone again, if he could help it.


End file.
